"We do not recommend supplements to our veterinary clients," says our Clinical Medicine, and Anatomy & Physiology professor (the same fabulous math prof from first term) during our Clin Med class.
Not okay
"There are some that can be useful in human medicine, but they're not regulated the way actual medications are, and most of the ones you get over the counter aren't even in the correct form for your body to process them. It doesn't really matter how much vitamin D you're adding to your diet--if you're not eating enough fat, your body can't process the vitamin and it's basically worthless. And some supplements would be downright harmful--calcium supplements to large-breed puppies, for example. But some people, I tell you what--they buy their pets supplements and won't listen to a word you say. There was this lady... well, she had issues going way beyond this. This was also the lady who accused us of stealing her puppies. I told you that story, right?"
No, we said. You didn't.
"Well," said Clin Med, "I should tell you that story later, since we're discussing nutrients now."
She stopped and looked at her powerpoint, contemplating. "Actually," she said. "Can I just tell you this story real quick? It's so special."
Definitely, we said.
"Okay, so this lady bought her animals supplements all the time--from human stores--but that's not the fun part. So she had this golden retriever that needed a c-section. She's one of those awful backyard breeders. So she brings her dog in and we do an x-ray, and I tell her, you know, okay, I think I saw maybe 4 or 5 puppies in there, we'll do the surgery, and I'll call you as soon as we're done to let you know how it went, okay? So she leaves, and we do the surgery. There were only three puppies, actually, which is a common mistake to make reading the radiograph because we can keep the momma dog still, but we can't keep the puppies from moving around inside, so a lot of time one puppy will superimpose on itself and look like, you know, three puppies or something.
Pin the spine to the puppy
So I call this crazy lady and tell her the surgery went well, and guess what, your dog is doing so well you can come pick her up tonight. There are three puppies. So she says okay, she'll come get them, and she's bringing the police. And I'm like what? okay? and just hang up, because this lady is crazy, right? So she shows up without the police and is all mad at me and wants to know where the other puppies are. And I'm like there were only three puppies. I miss-read the radiograph, and I explain that whole thing to her.
No, crazy lady says. There should be eight puppies.
Eight? I say. I only told you four or five, originally.
No, she says. I talked to my son, who is a very respected human physician, and he told me there should be eight puppies, and you stole the other five, and I'm going to sue you.
I kind of look at her, thinking, you know, I don't want her inbred golden retriever puppies, and finally I'm like, okay, crazy lady, why do you think there should be eight puppies?
And she says (get this, you guys)... because she has eight nipples!
And I don't even know what to say to that. I just look at her and say that's... not really how that works.
Yes, it is! she says. My son is a very respected physician, and he agreed with me!
I'm like soooo you have a son, right? Like, one son?
And she's all YEAH, what's your point?
And I'm like, nothing. Nevermind. And somehow we convinced her not to sue us. The end."
This person was obviously made to nurse five puppies.
The whole class agreed that was a great story. "Do you have any more?" we asked.
"Oh, my goodness, yes. All from this lady, too. She also sprayed her birds with cologne. Which is very bad for them. We were working on one of them one day and I thought the bird smelled pretty fruity. But you know how animals sometimes kind of smell like the homes they're from? But I sniffed this bird a little harder and it was way too strong. So we finish up the check up or whatever we were doing, and I take the bird back out and I say by the way, you don't happen to, you know, spray cologne on your birds or something, right? And she just gives me this look and says, of course I do--they LIKE it."
They do often enjoy baths.
Clin Med looks out over the class and sizes us up. "We can always discuss this whole nutrition thing later. Want to hear about the time she told us aliens abducted her cat?"
We asseverated there was nothing else in the world we would rather hear about; certainly not the relative dissolve-ability of fat-soluble vitamins.
"Great, because I'm kind of dying to tell this story, now. So she brings her cat in, and she's all shaky--you know? And tells us her cat had been hiding under her bed and wouldn't come out, so she tried to go down and pull him out, and he started talking to her. In English. He told her that aliens had abducted him and probed him and put an alien microchip in his brain and they were keeping tabs on her with it, and she demanded that we remove the microchip immediately. So Dr. L and I are trying really hard not to look at each other, because we'll lose it.
Incidentally, MIB is one of my favourite movies of all time
Okay, says Dr. L, we'll do an x-ray to see if we can find a microchip. So we take the cat back and do an x-ray. You guys. You know the normal microchips? For pets? Well, it's well-known that they can travel around. They're in the subcutaneous space and they can sort of migrate--but they migrate down--to the caudal end, maybe down the legs a little bit. It is extremely rare for them to go anywhere else. Well, you guys--this cat's Avid microchip had somehow migrated out of his scruff, up his neck, and into the SubQ layer on the back of his head. He had a microchip in his head.
So obviously Dr. L and I have a powwow.
What do we do? I ask.
Dr. Lee kind of grimaces. Maybe I should show her an x-ray of a different cat, he says.
You aren't going to do that! I said.
No, I guess not, he says.
So we take the x-ray out and explain that it's her cat's own microchip in the back of his head, and it's not in his brain. But she doesn't care, she demands we remove it. So we do. We make a little incision and squeeze it out and sew him back up. I hand that poor cat back over to her, and he sort of stiffened and just looked at me, begging me, I could see it in his eyes, not to make him go home with her again. But we had to, of course. And what do you know--she calls us later that night and said the procedure worked--her cat wasn't speaking English to her anymore."
~*~
"You guys, if something is oozing pus, the correct term is 'purulent'. Please
do not write 'pussy fluid' on your medical forms. They are considered legal documents, and everyone will laugh at you."
--Every single professor
