Grace

Sometimes we receive things we really don't deserve. Actually, for Christians, we live in a perpetual state of having received something we didn't deserve. That never really seems to hit home, though, because we so often tend to think we're pretty swell. And in a way we are; we have talents and people can do amazing things.

This, for instance. 

Van Gogh: Undergrowth with Two Figures, 1890

But we're also complete failures. We are often self-conscious and feel inadequate, but still our response to receiving something good is usually pleasure but not gratitude and when receiving something bad is dismay and anger and not understanding and acceptance.
That's because we have a pretty high view of ourselves and think we can somehow control our fates by our own actions (think Christian Karma).

I just had a real-life experience that showed me just how wrong this idea is and how works-oriented I actually am.

So I got that speeding ticket I mentioned in my last post. Well, a friend suggested I talk to somebody we know who's knowledgeable about this sort of thing to ask him what (if anything) I ought to do about it.
He was very kind and sympathetic, recognized the fault, but also the guilt I felt. He told me I ought to request a court date, but he'd also try in the meantime to get in touch with the officer who gave me the citation.

I accepted what he said without really realizing what he was implying. We finished our conversation and I left it somewhat encouraged (he thought at the court date I could talk down the fine, which was an obnoxious amount), but also steeled for action: I'd mail that sucker in and WORK that court date. Even if they didn't reduce my fine, I'd still have done everything in my power to make it happen. They'd be the jerks that refused to listen to extenuating circumstances (I was lost!).

I had only about twenty minutes of this tragi-heroic daydream hashed out when our friend called me up.

"Well," he said. "I talked to the officer who pulled you over and explained the situation to him. He was really nice and understanding and he'll take care of the citation: you can throw it away."

"What?" I said. I was not even aware that this was a thing that could happen. Getting a ticket from someone and then that same someone magically making it go away. Our friend explained some more about how Law Enforcement works and what happened, and I thanked him profusely.

"Looks like the Lord knew you needed that money for something else," he said.

"Yeah," I said. "Brake pads."

We laughed, and he hung up. I suddenly felt guilty. Regardless of what followed with the officer who pulled me over, I probably had been speeding (knowing me and the situation), so I did deserve to get a ticket. It didn't seem fair that I hadn't done anything to right my wrong, but it was as if it had never happened, and I will suffer no repercussions from it. Surely I have to do something to fix it. It's not that I WANTED to pay the fine or get points on my record, but I also didn't want to get handed a freebie.

It turns out, of course, that I do need the money--I took my car in to the mechanic today to get looked at (the brakes are in fact squealing) and I don't yet know what the results of that will be, and I randomly got invited by my SO's parents to take a week off to go to Florida (Orlando and the Everglades, I believe) with them. That's not costing me anything for the trip, but it will cost a week's worth of income.

Then, of course, there is the added guilt from that, that I'm getting to do something pleasant and somebody else is paying for it.

Nobody else had to pay for my speeding ticket for it to go away, but I did deserve to pay for it. Because I didn't have to, though, I am able to take advantage of someone else's generosity, give up a week's worth of work, and experience something else pleasant.

So it's a two-fer of me receiving things I don't deserve and didn't pay for, and it's not fair.

Why don't we ever feel the unfairness of our salvation this strongly?

Maybe this sort of pride is why so many people don't like the ideas of irresistible grace and limited atonement: that kind of makes more sense to me now.
We're wrong to think this way about grace, but now I understand how those people feel.

Sunflowers, 1887

Japan, ho!

I might be returning to Japan again this summer for three weeks. To top it off, two of the girls I went with last year would be returning as well, so we could be on a team again.
Also, my significant other won't be around all summer anyways, so there's no guilt for abandoning him for almost a month to go to Japan. Interestingly enough, Anna's (one of the other girls from our team last year) husband was just deployed this past week for a year, so she's functionally single and also able to spend this amount of time in another country without leaving marital responsibilities. Funny how God sometimes works even unpleasant circumstances out so they're not quite as sad.
The main issue would be that I'll be losing three weeks of income to do this, but with some extra saving until that point, I should be fine. I just hope my employer doesn't hate me for taking that much time off.

Hopefully you can prepare yourself for more Japan posts, come July-August.

In other, belated news, I picked up a second job working for a Friesian horse breeder in the area.

Yes, they really look like this.

Yes, they are this epic.

And yes, they are complete lovers.

The owner wants me to help her feed, train, and ride her horses. So basically it's my ideal job--somebody pays me to sort of pretend his or her horses are my horses. 

It's a really lovely establishment, the owner is great, and she has some wonderful horses--I'm excited to learn more about the place and finish training so I can work there more regularly (thus far it's sort of an on and off again, once-a-week thing). 

In other news, I got a $159 speeding ticket yesterday because I was in unfamiliar territory, trying to read a friend's written directions, and gauging my speed by a car in front of me, since I didn't have extra brain energy to devote to reading speed signs (or, apparently, my speedometer). Unfortunately for me, the other car was speeding, but he, of course, did not get noticed by the cop. The thing that enraged me, though, is that I told the cop I had never been to this place before, and he kept acting like I should recognize street names and offices in the area. I asked three separate times for him to tell me where exactly I'd been speeding relative to my current position, and he refused to tell me and just changed the subject. 

So I still have no idea where I was supposedly speeding, which makes me very unwilling to accept the ticket. Also, there's an illegible note he wrote on the bottom of the paper--who even knows what that's about. Something about "ruff" and "white lines." Anybody with experience with this know whether I should try to contest this ticket? I really don't need to be forking over a random $160 for something I'm not even sure I did because I don't know where I supposedly did it. 

Any advice would be appreciated!

The end, for now.