This, for instance.
Van Gogh: Undergrowth with Two Figures, 1890
But we're also complete failures. We are often self-conscious and feel inadequate, but still our response to receiving something good is usually pleasure but not gratitude and when receiving something bad is dismay and anger and not understanding and acceptance.
That's because we have a pretty high view of ourselves and think we can somehow control our fates by our own actions (think Christian Karma).
I just had a real-life experience that showed me just how wrong this idea is and how works-oriented I actually am.
So I got that speeding ticket I mentioned in my last post. Well, a friend suggested I talk to somebody we know who's knowledgeable about this sort of thing to ask him what (if anything) I ought to do about it.
He was very kind and sympathetic, recognized the fault, but also the guilt I felt. He told me I ought to request a court date, but he'd also try in the meantime to get in touch with the officer who gave me the citation.
I accepted what he said without really realizing what he was implying. We finished our conversation and I left it somewhat encouraged (he thought at the court date I could talk down the fine, which was an obnoxious amount), but also steeled for action: I'd mail that sucker in and WORK that court date. Even if they didn't reduce my fine, I'd still have done everything in my power to make it happen. They'd be the jerks that refused to listen to extenuating circumstances (I was lost!).
I had only about twenty minutes of this tragi-heroic daydream hashed out when our friend called me up.
"Well," he said. "I talked to the officer who pulled you over and explained the situation to him. He was really nice and understanding and he'll take care of the citation: you can throw it away."
"What?" I said. I was not even aware that this was a thing that could happen. Getting a ticket from someone and then that same someone magically making it go away. Our friend explained some more about how Law Enforcement works and what happened, and I thanked him profusely.
"Looks like the Lord knew you needed that money for something else," he said.
"Yeah," I said. "Brake pads."
We laughed, and he hung up. I suddenly felt guilty. Regardless of what followed with the officer who pulled me over, I probably had been speeding (knowing me and the situation), so I did deserve to get a ticket. It didn't seem fair that I hadn't done anything to right my wrong, but it was as if it had never happened, and I will suffer no repercussions from it. Surely I have to do something to fix it. It's not that I WANTED to pay the fine or get points on my record, but I also didn't want to get handed a freebie.
It turns out, of course, that I do need the money--I took my car in to the mechanic today to get looked at (the brakes are in fact squealing) and I don't yet know what the results of that will be, and I randomly got invited by my SO's parents to take a week off to go to Florida (Orlando and the Everglades, I believe) with them. That's not costing me anything for the trip, but it will cost a week's worth of income.
Then, of course, there is the added guilt from that, that I'm getting to do something pleasant and somebody else is paying for it.
Nobody else had to pay for my speeding ticket for it to go away, but I did deserve to pay for it. Because I didn't have to, though, I am able to take advantage of someone else's generosity, give up a week's worth of work, and experience something else pleasant.
So it's a two-fer of me receiving things I don't deserve and didn't pay for, and it's not fair.
Why don't we ever feel the unfairness of our salvation this strongly?
Maybe this sort of pride is why so many people don't like the ideas of irresistible grace and limited atonement: that kind of makes more sense to me now.
We're wrong to think this way about grace, but now I understand how those people feel.
Sunflowers, 1887
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